Hello there, strangers! I won’t start blogging & skip over the fact that I haven’t blogged in over a month. I’m really trying to get back into it, but the having no computer at home thing is an issue. Tax return…come to me!

I’ve felt sort of different lately too, about blogging. It’s hard to explain because I’m normally pretty open about sharing my feelings and life experiences, in hopes that someone else can relate and it somehow makes a little difference in this crazy world.

However, lately I’ve just felt…the need to be silent, I guess. The feelings I’ve been experiencing have been hard and confusing and I just haven’t really been ready to share them with anyone. Well, I’m not sure I am really ready to share them with anyone now.

But, I sometimes wonder if there is anyone else in the world who could possibly understand how I feel these days. So, here’s hoping.

As you all know (if you read the post by my hubby on Hope) Chris and I have temporary custody of my nephew right now. He is going to be 5 months next week and he came home with us at 1 month old. I still have no regrets, but I could have never prepared myself for the tidal wave of crazy up and down feelings I would have through this entire process.

The one question I get all the time is “Isn’t that going to be hard?” – referencing the time when we will have to give him back to one of his biological parents.

My answer: “Yes, of course.”

This entire situation is hard. Hard is an understatement. When we first brought him home I think I can speak for both my husband and I…we were clueless, scared, and thinking what have we gotten ourselves into?

The first few weeks were the worst…a marathon of sleepless nights and trial and error care-giving. Lots of crying was also involved (and not just by the baby).

Things have gotten better, easier I guess, in the care-giving department. I can make bottles, change diapers, do lots of laundry, and as all Moms know, the list goes on. That part is easy…everyone figures it out. I don’t feel like I’m going to have a breakdown every time I spill a bottle anymore, I just go with the flow.

The hard part …oh gosh…there are so many hard parts. The not knowing. The worry for my sister, and heartbreak and anger I have felt over the entire situation. The struggle of trying to give a child all of the love you can, while trying to remind yourself that he will be gone one day. The feeling that when he leaves he may take all that love with him and you’ll just have none left to give. The wondering if he will be OK. What will he be when he grows up? Will he even remember the special bond we have?

There are so many struggles. I know I am not his mother, but I have been his care-giver and still am for now, and it’s really hard to be in that position with a child who is technically in the state’s custody. You have sole responsibility for this little child and give it your all to care for him, and then people tell you what is going to happen, they don’t ask. Do I sometimes feel like I am entitled to have someone ask me if the decisions they are making are OK with me? Yes. But I’m not entitled to that, and that part is hard to.

It’s just hard to love a child so much and not even be able to count the days you will have left with that child, because you don’t even know…you just know there is an end somewhere, and you have to try to stay prepared for that, but not give him any less love because of it.

Then there are the other feelings…the feelings I feel bad for feeling…the feeling that I just got married 3 months ago and would love to just enjoy my husband and be newlyweds and go to the gym every day like I used to, go on a date, go anywhere. The feeling that I miss my freedom. I feel guilty for those feelings.

After my ramblings I guess its needless to say that I am feeling a little crazy lately. I am trying to be the best I can at everything I am responsible for right now. I want to be a good wife and make sure my husband feels loved. I want to be the best Aunt/care-giver and make sure my nephew has all the love, and everything else, that he needs. I still have a full-time job I’m trying to hang onto as well. Some days I just think that taking care of my nephew is the hardest thing I’ve ever done that I never want to stop doing. And then sometimes, I think I just want my life back. Those times, I feel so selfish for wanting that freedom.

So, back to the question people keep asking me: “Isn’t that going to be hard?”

Yes, it IS extremely hard now. Every day has been hard in it’s own way. We don’t know what decision we will be faced with, or if soon the decision will be made for us and we won’t have a choice at all. We will have to deal with that when it comes. When we decided to take on the responsibility of caring for my nephew, we made one agreement and that was to take it one day at a time. That’s all we can do…and do our best to love this little one while we are who he looks to for love.

When we first decided to do this everyone told us we were crazy. Everyone was right, we were crazy. But, no matter how hard this becomes, or what feelings I have to deal with, I will never regret this. I think that, in matters of love, we all need to be a little crazy. Wonderful things can happen when you take a chance, a chance to give someone else everything you have in you, to give a child all of your love.

Maybe this will end up ripping my heart out. I can’t say I’m prepared for that, because there is no way to prepare for any of this madness. But I will always bounce back. I will always come out stronger on the other side. And I hope that I can do the same again in the future for a child who needs someone to love them.  These children are our future, and we are the people responsible for taking care of them – whether they are your blood relative or a stranger.

No matter how hard this gets, I hope God can always give me the strength to make crazy moves in the name of love, no matter the sacrifice. I hope I never say no to something important just because it is going to be hard. Life is hard for everyone – but it shouldn’t be so hard for innocent children to have a fair start at life.

Adults, let’s take on the hard stuff and let the children be happy and carefree before they become old enough to know that life is hard.